You are a Friend of mine~~

Have you ever wondered which hurts the most?
Saying something and wishing you hadn't? or
Saying nothing and wishing you had?
I guess the most important things are the hardest things to say. Don't be afraid to tell someone you love them.
If you do, they might break your heart...if you don't, you might break theirs.
Have u ever decided not 2 become a couple because you were so afraid of losing what you already had with that person?
Your heart decides whom it likes and whom it doesn't. You can't tell your heart what to do.
It does it on its own........when you least suspect it, or even when you don't want it to.
Have you ever wanted to love someone with everything you had, but that other person was too afraid to let you?
Too many of us stay walled up because we are too afraid to care too much...for fear that the other person does not care as much, or even at all.
Have you ever denied your feelings for someone because your fear of rejection was too hard to handle?
We tell lies when we are afraid... afraid of what we don't know, afraid of what others will think, afraid of what will be found out about us.
But every time we tell a lie, the thing we fear grows stronger.
Life is all about risks and it requires you to jump.
Don't be a person who has to look back and wonder what they would have done, or could have had.
* What would you do if every time you fell in love you had to say good-bye?
*What would you do if every time you wanted someone they would never be there?
*What would you do if your best friend died tomorrow and you never got to tell them how you felt?(even if it is that you don't care anymore)
*What would you do if you loved someone more than ever and you couldn't have them?
*What would you do if you never got the chance to say I am friends with all of my family and they know I love them?
*People live, but people die.
I want to tell you that you are a friend.
If you died tomorrow (God Forbid)
you would be in my heart.
Would I be in yours?
You might be best friends one year, pretty good friends the next year, don't talk that often the next, and don't want to talk at all the year after that.
So, I just wanted to say, even if I never talk to you again in my life, you are special to me and you have made a difference in my life, I look up to you, respect you, truly cherish you , most of all I CARE about friends.
Remember, everyone needs a friend someday you might feel like you have NO FRIENDS at all, just remember this post and take comfort in knowing somebody out there cares about you and ...........always will..I care about You!!

Can't remember who sent this to me but it's nice~~~

Poems written after attending ML class @ DDK2

Wrote this one in DDK2 - Malaysian Literature class~~
Ms Geetha made all of us write de~~ cracked my almost 2 month long writer's block though..
Here it is :

When I think of a soul mate,
I can see the girl of my dreams,
I can smell her sweet scent,
I can feel her smooth and soft skin,
I can taste her lips on mine,
My soul mate – how I love thee.

I wrote this last Thursday(28-1-2010) while waiting for time to pass.. appointment with Mr. Renu was at 2pm, my class ended sometime like 12.30pm.. 1.5hrs duno do what so wrote this...but lucky lar...he was in early but still chatted till abt 2.30pm =P

When I think of her,
I can see a promising ballerina,
I can smell success,
I can feel her awesome aura,
I can taste a little of her greatness,
My first love – hope to once again see you dance…

As you can see all have the same pattern... :P just following the pattern Ms Geetha give lar~~ lazy think of own presently..fill in blanks only lar~~

A Slice of Life - 08 - 01 - 2010 - Late update~~~

Times slowed and everything seems to become as blur as it may get. Before we reconciled and kept in contact, I virtually lived in ex0ile, totally cut off from my true self. Living a shell life, for almost half a decade, how I actually made it through? I’ve got no idea myself. Meeting her again seemed to wake me from the dream I wasn’t supposed to be in.

In the beginning, I hoped I didn’t have to go through losing her again, I promised I would stop everything and be loyal to her and to her only. But then doubt that haunted me for years came back to haunt me again. I was fearful that she would not keep her up her end of the deal. Even in the past when we were together, I knew she never was a hundred percent faithful, but I kept my trust on her.

One could say I never really moved on when we were forced to separate almost 3 years ago, as I said, after hearing from her again, hearing her voice, it made me feel as though I just snapped awake from a dream; it was as though I wasted 3 years going through life in auto-pilot mode. All those feelings I had in that period of time, was something like lying to myself; running from the truth which I could not get over.

An idiot, that’s what I am, a fool who never wanted to face reality, just use a lie, hide behind a mask, run, run, run! Keep running till you’ve finally been awoken from your nightmare. Just keep running, hide behind a shell or mask when it gets really tough, hide to seek comfort and rest. Then keep on running, masks don’t last long. Shells fade with time, move keep moving. Don’t stop till your awaken by her and only her. This marathon I put myself in, I played it so well I though it to be true, till I finally woke up and looked back at what I’ve been doing.

I’m really stupid, so dumb that even a newborn seemed smarter than I could ever have been during that time. After waking, I feel even more idiotic. How could I be so stupid and cheat myself into taking the path I took; the nightmare I chose. Lies, I’ve been living in lies so much I can’t even remember who or what I really was beneath all those lies. Use a lie to cover a lie, cover so many layers till only the Lord knows who you really are underneath. Even I myself have no idea anymore. Feels like I may only live as my true self when I’m with her.

Seek religion, give a confession to a father, seek inner rejuvenation, and seek first to heal then to recover. Once there was an important person to me once said: “Do you know what your main problem is? Your problem is that you know the main cause of all your problems, but you do not seek help to fix it. You’re not full of pride; you’re just the scared child who refuses to believe in others to help him. You don’t trust easy and you know it! ” “Let go of all your barriers of mistrust, start afresh believe in your friends, you’d be surprised as to how much they may be willing to help you! You know your problems! So ask for help!” I remember what that person said. But I’m still afraid to seek help, been betrayed so much I’ve lost hope in ever trusting other anymore.

Hold up, yes I said I don’t trust everyone, but then there are those who I trust more than others. They are truly special to me and I am happy that they are my best of best friends. But these 3 years, I’ve become more and more detached to those who I once trusted; all alone, running from nothing but my own fears, running from me and no one else. If I seek their help, will they help? If I seek for them to assist me in my overcoming my troubles will they come? All these uncertainties to ponder upon, added on my own fears within myself, it’s a wonder why I never sought for help. I can write what I feel but I can’t express how I feel; speech fails me where words won’t. Words to me are not of importance if there is not a written form of it, be it in digital form or handwriting or printed.

But the main thing is, I’m at a lost now. I don’t know if I should give in and let it wash past me into another wave of nightmares. ASK YOURSELF: “IS SHE REALLY WORTH YOUR EFFORTS AND YOUR TIME? IS SHE WORTH EVERY BIT OF WHAT YOU”VE BEEN THROUGH? IF YOUR ANSWER IS YES THEN, SHUT UP AND DON’T COMPLAIN!” this is what part of my mind keeps arguing, the other part just keeps quite and focus on creating more nightmares. Part of me wants me to move on; another part wants me to hold on to the dream of being with her (She already said she still loves me but needs time to persuade her parents  this is what she says anyways); the last part just keeps on reminding me that its preparing the next wave of nightmares, should I require them in the end. Not very positive isn’t it.

In the environment I’ve been growing up in, showing your problems to others means you’re weak and you only do that if you’ve got a death wish. To survive you’ve got to be strong. Hide your weakness and push on. “Only then would you survive as a MAN!” my dad always says this indirectly; he uses a lot of temper and scenarios just to tell us this. Contrast to my mum who says I should seek out help if I really can’t cope. Fits doesn’t in? With 2 different opinions on how to live life, it’s no wonder why I have different thoughts even in just one mind. But as a counselor, it doesn’t help either, I see all the paths but I can’t decide, I know the probable outcome of each route should I chose any.

Now after saying all this I feel much better though it doesn’t help with the problems I have now. Should I or should I not? Wait or not to wait? Run again or stand and fight? Kill or be killed (Just joking, nothing to kill or be killed by yet)? She loves me I love her, but her hesitating is keeping me on the tips of toes. Will she tip or not? I’ve got 4.5-5 more months to think or be tortured by this. She will be coming, but will it go well? Or would I end up like what I’ve gone through the past 3 years? Hope not, I do not feel like living in a nightmare anymore. I want to be free; I want to be who I can be. I don’t want to live a mask my entire life.

A slice of my life, hope you’ve enjoyed reading it, every bit of it is true; no added fakes to make it sound nice; I write it as it really is. I write this to myself and to whoever would read this. I write stories, sci-fi, facts of life – my life (something like a biography I suppose).

Title : A Slice of Life©

Author : Brian Woon

Date : 8^th January 2010, Friday

Time : 3.56AM

Estimated word count : 1209

Paragraphs : 11

Lines used : 75