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very bz with assignments now...this semester has been hectic~ i doubt i can or will be able to come here and write what i want as often as i can~~ sorry to all the readers who stumble on this site or come here often~~

You are a Friend of mine~~

Have you ever wondered which hurts the most?
Saying something and wishing you hadn't? or
Saying nothing and wishing you had?
I guess the most important things are the hardest things to say. Don't be afraid to tell someone you love them.
If you do, they might break your heart...if you don't, you might break theirs.
Have u ever decided not 2 become a couple because you were so afraid of losing what you already had with that person?
Your heart decides whom it likes and whom it doesn't. You can't tell your heart what to do.
It does it on its own........when you least suspect it, or even when you don't want it to.
Have you ever wanted to love someone with everything you had, but that other person was too afraid to let you?
Too many of us stay walled up because we are too afraid to care too much...for fear that the other person does not care as much, or even at all.
Have you ever denied your feelings for someone because your fear of rejection was too hard to handle?
We tell lies when we are afraid... afraid of what we don't know, afraid of what others will think, afraid of what will be found out about us.
But every time we tell a lie, the thing we fear grows stronger.
Life is all about risks and it requires you to jump.
Don't be a person who has to look back and wonder what they would have done, or could have had.
* What would you do if every time you fell in love you had to say good-bye?
*What would you do if every time you wanted someone they would never be there?
*What would you do if your best friend died tomorrow and you never got to tell them how you felt?(even if it is that you don't care anymore)
*What would you do if you loved someone more than ever and you couldn't have them?
*What would you do if you never got the chance to say I am friends with all of my family and they know I love them?
*People live, but people die.
I want to tell you that you are a friend.
If you died tomorrow (God Forbid)
you would be in my heart.
Would I be in yours?
You might be best friends one year, pretty good friends the next year, don't talk that often the next, and don't want to talk at all the year after that.
So, I just wanted to say, even if I never talk to you again in my life, you are special to me and you have made a difference in my life, I look up to you, respect you, truly cherish you , most of all I CARE about friends.
Remember, everyone needs a friend someday you might feel like you have NO FRIENDS at all, just remember this post and take comfort in knowing somebody out there cares about you and ...........always will..I care about You!!

Can't remember who sent this to me but it's nice~~~

Poems written after attending ML class @ DDK2

Wrote this one in DDK2 - Malaysian Literature class~~
Ms Geetha made all of us write de~~ cracked my almost 2 month long writer's block though..
Here it is :

When I think of a soul mate,
I can see the girl of my dreams,
I can smell her sweet scent,
I can feel her smooth and soft skin,
I can taste her lips on mine,
My soul mate – how I love thee.

I wrote this last Thursday(28-1-2010) while waiting for time to pass.. appointment with Mr. Renu was at 2pm, my class ended sometime like 12.30pm.. 1.5hrs duno do what so wrote this...but lucky lar...he was in early but still chatted till abt 2.30pm =P

When I think of her,
I can see a promising ballerina,
I can smell success,
I can feel her awesome aura,
I can taste a little of her greatness,
My first love – hope to once again see you dance…

As you can see all have the same pattern... :P just following the pattern Ms Geetha give lar~~ lazy think of own presently..fill in blanks only lar~~

A Slice of Life - 08 - 01 - 2010 - Late update~~~

Times slowed and everything seems to become as blur as it may get. Before we reconciled and kept in contact, I virtually lived in ex0ile, totally cut off from my true self. Living a shell life, for almost half a decade, how I actually made it through? I’ve got no idea myself. Meeting her again seemed to wake me from the dream I wasn’t supposed to be in.

In the beginning, I hoped I didn’t have to go through losing her again, I promised I would stop everything and be loyal to her and to her only. But then doubt that haunted me for years came back to haunt me again. I was fearful that she would not keep her up her end of the deal. Even in the past when we were together, I knew she never was a hundred percent faithful, but I kept my trust on her.

One could say I never really moved on when we were forced to separate almost 3 years ago, as I said, after hearing from her again, hearing her voice, it made me feel as though I just snapped awake from a dream; it was as though I wasted 3 years going through life in auto-pilot mode. All those feelings I had in that period of time, was something like lying to myself; running from the truth which I could not get over.

An idiot, that’s what I am, a fool who never wanted to face reality, just use a lie, hide behind a mask, run, run, run! Keep running till you’ve finally been awoken from your nightmare. Just keep running, hide behind a shell or mask when it gets really tough, hide to seek comfort and rest. Then keep on running, masks don’t last long. Shells fade with time, move keep moving. Don’t stop till your awaken by her and only her. This marathon I put myself in, I played it so well I though it to be true, till I finally woke up and looked back at what I’ve been doing.

I’m really stupid, so dumb that even a newborn seemed smarter than I could ever have been during that time. After waking, I feel even more idiotic. How could I be so stupid and cheat myself into taking the path I took; the nightmare I chose. Lies, I’ve been living in lies so much I can’t even remember who or what I really was beneath all those lies. Use a lie to cover a lie, cover so many layers till only the Lord knows who you really are underneath. Even I myself have no idea anymore. Feels like I may only live as my true self when I’m with her.

Seek religion, give a confession to a father, seek inner rejuvenation, and seek first to heal then to recover. Once there was an important person to me once said: “Do you know what your main problem is? Your problem is that you know the main cause of all your problems, but you do not seek help to fix it. You’re not full of pride; you’re just the scared child who refuses to believe in others to help him. You don’t trust easy and you know it! ” “Let go of all your barriers of mistrust, start afresh believe in your friends, you’d be surprised as to how much they may be willing to help you! You know your problems! So ask for help!” I remember what that person said. But I’m still afraid to seek help, been betrayed so much I’ve lost hope in ever trusting other anymore.

Hold up, yes I said I don’t trust everyone, but then there are those who I trust more than others. They are truly special to me and I am happy that they are my best of best friends. But these 3 years, I’ve become more and more detached to those who I once trusted; all alone, running from nothing but my own fears, running from me and no one else. If I seek their help, will they help? If I seek for them to assist me in my overcoming my troubles will they come? All these uncertainties to ponder upon, added on my own fears within myself, it’s a wonder why I never sought for help. I can write what I feel but I can’t express how I feel; speech fails me where words won’t. Words to me are not of importance if there is not a written form of it, be it in digital form or handwriting or printed.

But the main thing is, I’m at a lost now. I don’t know if I should give in and let it wash past me into another wave of nightmares. ASK YOURSELF: “IS SHE REALLY WORTH YOUR EFFORTS AND YOUR TIME? IS SHE WORTH EVERY BIT OF WHAT YOU”VE BEEN THROUGH? IF YOUR ANSWER IS YES THEN, SHUT UP AND DON’T COMPLAIN!” this is what part of my mind keeps arguing, the other part just keeps quite and focus on creating more nightmares. Part of me wants me to move on; another part wants me to hold on to the dream of being with her (She already said she still loves me but needs time to persuade her parents  this is what she says anyways); the last part just keeps on reminding me that its preparing the next wave of nightmares, should I require them in the end. Not very positive isn’t it.

In the environment I’ve been growing up in, showing your problems to others means you’re weak and you only do that if you’ve got a death wish. To survive you’ve got to be strong. Hide your weakness and push on. “Only then would you survive as a MAN!” my dad always says this indirectly; he uses a lot of temper and scenarios just to tell us this. Contrast to my mum who says I should seek out help if I really can’t cope. Fits doesn’t in? With 2 different opinions on how to live life, it’s no wonder why I have different thoughts even in just one mind. But as a counselor, it doesn’t help either, I see all the paths but I can’t decide, I know the probable outcome of each route should I chose any.

Now after saying all this I feel much better though it doesn’t help with the problems I have now. Should I or should I not? Wait or not to wait? Run again or stand and fight? Kill or be killed (Just joking, nothing to kill or be killed by yet)? She loves me I love her, but her hesitating is keeping me on the tips of toes. Will she tip or not? I’ve got 4.5-5 more months to think or be tortured by this. She will be coming, but will it go well? Or would I end up like what I’ve gone through the past 3 years? Hope not, I do not feel like living in a nightmare anymore. I want to be free; I want to be who I can be. I don’t want to live a mask my entire life.

A slice of my life, hope you’ve enjoyed reading it, every bit of it is true; no added fakes to make it sound nice; I write it as it really is. I write this to myself and to whoever would read this. I write stories, sci-fi, facts of life – my life (something like a biography I suppose).

Title : A Slice of Life©

Author : Brian Woon

Date : 8^th January 2010, Friday

Time : 3.56AM

Estimated word count : 1209

Paragraphs : 11

Lines used : 75

I dedicate This song to the girl I love

Angel In the Night - Basshunter

You are my light in the dark

You are the beating in my heart

But that is not enough

Will I ever be by your side

Your hair is dancing in the wind

Your eyes are burning off my skin

And I'm so happy when I see

That you are smiling back at me

You're living burn marks on the ground

Thank you God for what I've found

I don't know how, I don't know why

That you're my angel in the night

You are my light in the dark

You are the beating in my heart

Let me hold you now

Just like days before you start to cry

You are my light in the dark

You are the beating in my heart

But that is not enough

Will I ever be by your side

I try my best to satisfy

But all you do is where we make it right

I don't know what I'm gonna do

But I'm so crazy about you

Even if I don't know where to start

Even if my love is tearing me apart

I just know that you and me

We were always meant to be

You are my light in the dark

You are the beating in my heart

Let me hold you now

Just like days before you stopped to cry

You are my light in the dark

You are the beating in my heart

But that is not enough

Will I ever be by your side

You're my angel in the night.

_____________________________________________________________________________________

My own words to you:

I cry because I cant be with you. I cant sleep without at least hearing or seeing your words. Some how I've become really attached to your existence in my life. Even when we're not even together yet. I love you with all my heart and soul. Yet you deny me the chance to propose. Sleepless nights and loneliness drags me slowly through life. I love you so much I've lost myself.

Same dream 3 years in a row, this is the fourth..What does it mean?

Can't sleep.. it's that time of year again where the same dreams keeps appearing.. Only this time it seems clearer than the past 3 years.. I suppose i should tell how the dream goes.

I'm at someone's wedding, a friend's. I could never really see the faces of the lucky couple nor anyone for that matter, it was always blur, as though I did not have my specs on. I could tell it was a wedding and that was it. It wasn't mine nor any relative's wedding. It definitely is a friend's wedding. Every year from mid November till early January, almost every time I shut my eyes to sleep I would see this dream, just repeat itself.

I would walk around the ballroom, chatting with unknown people, not really paying attention to who I'm speaking with but then again I can't really see their faces, so the topic is vague as well. I just walk around, chat a bit here and there. Then I would see a girl, opposite from where I'm standing, just playfully smiling at me. Every Year i swear that her face keeps getting clearer.

I know I'm interested, who is this girl who has been in my dreams for the past few years? Every time it's the same, I walk towards her, and she towards me. We meet but there is always a barrier between us, I can't hear her voice nor see her looks clearly, but I can see my reflection, I do look a bit older than I am now.

She would then motion me to the right, where there is a gap in between the barrier which separates us, a gap small enough just for our lips to touch, but never able to go to the other side. This is when the barrier becomes cloudy and I can barely make out her appearance, it is as though the barrier is preventing me from seeing who the girl really is.

Then I would wake up! Once my eyes close again, the dream repeats itself..

But this time the first of the annual dream..we reach the barrier and it is big enough for me to pass through. She holds my hand, I can feel the warmth of her hand, it feels so real I can't believe this is a dream but I know it is, after having the same one for 3 years. This time, she leads me to a table where I can see some of my cousins and some friends, I can tell who some of them are but I'm not too sure. I dun have my specs on so I can't tell for sure, but one of them is 100% Alden Lee, an elder cousin of mine and the other I see is Daryl Ng, my EL course class rep. Daryl has a girl by his side, can't tell who it is but making a guess, it would be Amber.

The table has a red lining like those in weddings, and the main meal is steamboat. I never really saw these things in the past, this was the first time I've come so far in the dream, I usually wake up at the barrier because it just goes dark after i reach the gap. I only ever saw the lips of the girl who lead me to the table. Before I woke up, she whispered something to me, something I cannot recall right now.

What I may only say is that the same dream has progressed but before i can register what she whispered in my ear I'd wake up. After the same dream repeated it twice, I can't sleep anymore. I'm wide awake now, typing out this post, describing the dream.

I can't tell what it means. It was always until the barrier, but this time it went further. Is there a meaning to it? I don't know. Some say that i will meet my dream girl at a friend's wedding.. But why is my cousin Alden there? Why is Daryl and Amber also in the dream? If it's a friend's wedding I suppose it would be normal if Daryl and Amber was there, but my cousin???? Unless my cousin is the groom in the wedding I don't know what else to make of it..

I even saw more than just her lips, I saw her smile, i saw her body arms and legs, but her face was still a blur, the girl who lead me to the table I mean. She was wearing a white gown, like something out of a fairy tale. I was wearing? What was I wearing at that time I wonder.. But that is besides the point.

I wish I knew what these dreams meant. Am I suppose to attend more weddings so I can find my true love? Or am I suppose to wait for a wedding where the main course is steamboat, my cousin is there, Daryl and Amber is there, before attending? Rather confused this time.

Every time the dream repeats itself, I feel as though it's the first time I'm experiencing it but deep down I know that this isn't the first. It's just plain confusing. Maybe GOD is trying to show me something, a message perhaps, a puzzle which i must finish slowly over time. I'm sure that these dreams only appear around this time of the year. Sleepless nights and if I do fall asleep, I get the same dream over and over and over again..

I know I've been repeating the same things over and over but I can't help it. That's just how messed up I'm feeling right now.. As my thoughts run my fingers put them down as words, recording my thoughts in this post. I don't think this may be considered a short story but what the heck, I love to write, so no matter how odd or queer it may seem, if I feel the urge to write i would, story or not..

I must stay awake.. I don't want to fall asleep and see the same dream over and over again.. Someone please help. Oh and before I forget, the girl in my dreams even though her face is blur, she looks very familiar. I just can't pin point who she is but maybe a few more nights and I would be able to tell, or maybe not.. I don't know how it will turn out.

That's all for now. Signing off at 6.15am , Tuesday, 10th November 2009

Something from a forward email.

A couple went to a sex therapists office at ABC Hospital. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"

The man said, "Will you watch us having sex, for your expert analysis?"

The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse" and charged them RM60.00.

This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an Appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor and then leave.

Finally the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"

The man said, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house - I'm married and we can't go to my house. Shangri-la Putrajaya charges RM250.00, Mandarin Oriental charges RM280.00, Le Meridian charges M230.00. We do it here for RM60.00 and I get that back from "Medical Claim".......!